Digging for Buried Treasure

Many Moons...

2009-03-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

Ago I found myself writing here. I don't know what happened. I lost my words. I got stuck. I'm hoping I'm unstuck.

I got busy. I got careless. I stopped thinking and feeling and just stayed in one place. It's not so hard to do. Look around you. Many people are "stuck" and they don't even know it. I've known and lived with one of the most severely "stuck" people you can ever imagine. And, I'm so relieved we've severed most of our ties. Let me stress MOST though. There's always the final tie that binds and I have continued to let that tie bind me to him. Oh, it's no one's fault but my own. It's a matter of old habits dying hard. I don't quite know how NOT to be the person I was when I was around him when I encounter him.

Let me digress: When I am free of his presence, which is most of my life, I am ME. The ME I have re-discovered. I am free, peaceful, grounded, comforted, reflective, and honest. I have worked hard to recapture my true self, my soul. Then, I encounter Mr. Stuck and it's goodbye ME, hello m.e.

And, before I knew it, he was rummaging and pillaging and robbing me blind again, but this time so insidiously that I didn't catch it. Then recently, I woke up and saw what was gone (again). I don't think I can just get it all back; I have to start over. And it's going to continue to be a battle.

I'm looking for a really good safe right now.

Starting A-New

2008-06-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about renaming and relaunching this blog. Why, though? Why take the time and obliterate the growth I have done along the way. That's what digging for buried treasure is all about...the adventure of finding the jewels, and along the way, finding other things. I want to believe I'm moving forward, but sometimes I think I'm just moving side to side. Not backward, but side to side. Going nowhere. At least backward is going somewhere! I know I think too much, but how do I just ACT. ACTing is being courageous and strong and READY. It's like jumping off a cliff.

Last night I had a dream about jumping off the Grand Canyon and floating right down to the bottom. It was so peaceful! So, let's analyze that...let go, be free, take risks, open your arms/heart, nurture hopes and dreams, provide comfort.

CAN I DO THIS????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

In the Land of Women

2008-03-01T22:48:00.000-08:00

I just watched this fabulous movie. It was In the Land of Women, and hence the title of this blog entry. It was funny in a very dry sort of way, just like I feel life is. It was poetic, because one of the main characters was a writer. It was comforting because there was a lot of love. It was about a man who found himself in a world of women. And, for a time, this man felt the strength and warmth that women surround themselves with every day when they bond with each other. An experience this man shall never forget and always be thankful for. He's a hero. My hero.

Heroes

2008-02-17T20:48:00.000-08:00

Who is your hero? Not just someone you admire, but someone you respect and want to spend time with. My hero is out there, but right now, my heart is empty. And, closed. I work every day on opening myself up to love and its adventures, and every day, I change my list of what love looks like to me. The obvious: Tall, dark and handsome. The not so obvious: Thoughtful, kind, compassionate, honest, funny, faithful, spiritual, wise and strong. Really, I want to share my life with someone who is my best friend. Do you think this is possible to find? Or, am I looking for the impossible?

What If?

2007-07-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

What if you were going down a road at a safe and steady speed, when, bam!, you were hit broadside by another vehicle? What if your car was turned 180 degrees, yet you were unhurt? Would this be your wake-up call? And what exactly is a wake-up call? I think a wake-up call is the epitome of "what if's." What if this and that and that and this??????????? Each one of us is given a life and then we've got to decide how to live it. I believe the puppeteer is God, but I also believe in free will. Pretty deep, huh? Like, for years, I believe God wants me to follow a certain path, but there are those who throw themselves into the fray of my life. The pathos. I'm now on an entirely different path. I commit myself and then realize my commitment was not honored. What I signed on for, the mission has been aborted. Sometimes, we only see what we want to. We see what is within our realm. To look outside, now, that's talent. Only the most talented will ever understand that our existence is dependent upon the exchange of night and day. Day is bright and perfect and happy; night is dark and mysterious and passive.

Love

2007-07-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time. A difficult road for me, an uphill journey. I thought I had lost myself forever, but I think I have found "me" again. I'm excited; I'm scared. I thought I had lost the ability to love and I thought I had lost my innocence (my ability to hope, trust and dream). But, something I've learned is that loving myself is the place to start. I'm beginning a new chapter in my life now and I see how any one of us can become scared, but it's one step at a time. If I love myself, if I'm good to myself, I create the space for others to love me. I'm learning that real love is not born of need, but of a wanting to give and receive. There are many people in my life whom I love. I'm surrounded by "my people"...friends and family who are my true heroes, my lifelines, and I cannot express adequately in words just how much I appreciate their very presence and existence.

My people--I love you all very much!!!! If I could reach out and touch you all right now, many hugs and kisses would be going around.

Innocence

2006-10-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

When was the first time you lost yours? The first time a dream didn't come true? Your heart was broken? You realized that some people are just mean to the bone? Do we ever really loose our innocence? I would like to believe that we hang onto it, at least a little bit. If you've ever worked with children, you can see the erosion of their innocence. Compare a first grader with a 7th grader...they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. The world is fresh and alive, each day a new discovery for a six year old. A twelve year old, on the other hand, has attitude and skepticism. They look at adults and authority figures as if they are crazy. Their knowledge comes from peers. But, then we grow and change. We become adults ourselves. And, we look for innocence again. What is a wedding, if not hope and innocence being reborn? We hope to join our life and love with someone 'til death do us part, and we maintain the innocence that that task will not be an arduous adventure. The same is true of children. We go into the idea and creation of family with the innocence of a baby. If not, whom would ever choose to have children? The work is incredible; the reward a long way off...18 years of blood, sweat and tears. The work of creating a family is the same...we join our life with another to make a family and along the way we often find out we have grown into very different people who don't believe in the same idea of family. This has left me bereft. I've lost my innocence, which was always my ability to hope and trust and dream.

Storms

2006-10-04T08:13:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, storms ripped through here. And, I do mean "ripped through here" literally. Lots of downed trees and branches. In my yard, I lost quite a few large branches. Anyway, it was frightening. The lashing wind and rain, the hail, the thunder and lightning. I say frightening from the perspective of health and safety. I wasn't scared of the storm per se; just scared that my roof might cave in, the basement might flood and I might loose power. The storm itself was fascinating. It was nature beating us to a bloody pulp. It was aggression and anger and in the end, it was calm. All of us, at some time or another, feel a storm inside. Whether or not we acknowledge our storms is yet another matter. I would love to huff and howl and thunder and lightning and hail as a means to calm my inner storm. This is not acceptable behavior, though, the release of rage through violence. So, instead, I usually push my feelings aside and once in a great while, I explode. It's usually the littlest thing that sets me off, but it's a chain reaction. All the bad and dirty and stinky feelings I have had for months come tumbling out. I'm working on ways to curb this. I have never been good at taking care of myself emotionally. I need to exercise at least 3 -4 times a week and I need to eat a healthy diet and I need to drink lots of water and I need sleep. I also need love and laughter. Emotionally, I am very in-touch with my feelings, but often have a hard time managing them, working through issues and being honest. I need courage and fortitude to do this. I also need to accept that everyone's mind does not work like mine. And, because of this, I need to manage me, and only me.

I just finished spinning this morning with my favorite instructor, Dawn. We rode down the California coast. I love her verbal simulations. We rode through sun and rain, up hills and down. And, all the while I was riding, I was thinking of my storm and pushing through it. You don't always need words to figure things out. And, this is what I'm learning from Mother Nature's storms.

Sleep

2006-10-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

Why is that the nights when sleep seems most elusive are followed by a very busy day? I spent most of last night tossing and turning, sweating and then shivering with the chills. No, I wasn't sick. Just a bad case of sleeplessness. One of those nights where you think you're asleep and then you realize you're really not. Or, one of those nights when you think you're awake and realize you're really asleep. Either way, it amounts to frustration. Every noise, every movement and I was sitting bolt upright. I had a glass of red wine an hour or two before bed, but other than that, no drugs or alcohol which would have inhibited my state of restfulness. This morning I felt like a character out of Night of the Living Dead. I had some important errands and two appointments and I felt like a sleepwalker.

I have been thinking back on my dreams/nightmares today. I'd just be settling down for sleep and then I would think I was awake and having a very bad day. Oh, but wait! Just a dream! But, the kind of dream that seems so real it takes a moment or two to shake off and then minutes to drift back to sleep...and, bam!, another real-life nightmare. I've had a queasy stomach and as much as I cannot wait to go to bed, I'm hoping and praying for a peace-filled slumber. I'm going to shoot for my driving dream and I'm going to run right over all my anxieties!

Movies

2006-10-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

I saw a great movie recently. Actually, more than 2 months ago, but it has stayed with me. It was very intense in theme and meaning. The movie was A History of Violence. Upon first view, I felt that the movie was about a family in transition after a terrible secret was revealed about one of its members. Upon further reflection, I saw it as a movie about growth and change. About how the most healthy of us continue to grow and change throughout our lives, sometimes completely reinventing ourselves. But deep down inside, aren't we all the same person we started out being at the core? We can put on many masks and facades, but inside isn't our soul crying out for us to be true to our real selves, thus facilitating reinvention?

One of the main characters in this film decided he wanted to change his life many years ago, so he made a drastic turn, disappearing and re-making himself into a whole new man. There was a catalyst for change and I feel that was his dissatisfaction with his life's direction all those years ago. He keeps his past a secret from his wife. And, when she finds out he assumes that the marriage is over. But, she's got more strength than he knew. For, in finding out whom he really is, she is finding out that she's not really who she thought she was either. The movie ends with a beginning. The beginning of a new relationship between them, one made of truth and deeper meaning.

I keep thinking of this film because sometimes the world seems so black and white. People are unhappy and they feel they have so little options except to throw in the towel. They have certain expectations of those that love them, certain beliefs and feelings that may or may not be founded in reality. I feel that reality isn't black or white, it's somewhere in between and that when we decide to take a risk we may be pleasantly surprised. But, risk taking is something many people aren't good at. I can say that I'm not. Risks involve letting go of control, as my wise cousin says and letting go of control means that you are leaving your fate to the destinies. How much control do we really have anyway? Isn't our fate up to destiny? And, really the only control that we have is over ourselves. I know that I don't want to look back at my life and see regrets. Chances I had to make changes and instead I quit. I want to take risks; I want to live. And, I want to teach that to my children.

Flying

2006-09-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

Here is another dream I frequently have. This one is so real that I actually think it's happened occasionally. I can fly! I start running and then flapping my arms and I come off the ground. Sometimes I just hover; it's a lot of work to fly! Other times I get up as high as a 2-story house. I prefer this mode of transportation. There are days when I'm thinking I have to go somewhere, do an errand, etc., and I think I'll just fly there! Oooops. That's only a dream. Or, is it? It seems so real to me. Like I've really flown before. This flying dream, from what I've researched and read, is common. It's supposed to mean that you feel you have to do something. Or go somewhere. I guess it expresses a need for change at a most basic level. The first change I want to make is to let go and really fly. And, when I say "really fly," I mean to fly through my life. I want to let go of my fears and inhibitions, so that I can release what's been hiding inside me. I think that's what my dream is saying: take a chance, make a change.

Driving

2006-09-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have this dream frequently. I am in my car, with the sun roof open, the radio on low with a soothing sound, the sun is out and the leaves are starting to color. I am driving. I am smiling and driving. And, I just keep driving. I don't know where I am going. Sometimes I have two important people in the backseat (the front passenger seat is always open) and sometimes I am alone. But, the feeling of peace and happiness is always there. I've often wondered what this dream means. On a simple level it could mean that I love autumn (I do). It could also mean I want to run away. It could also mean that I don't know where I'm going. It could mean I need a plan for my life. It could mean I need to find a place of peace. Whatever the meaning, I think of this dream often. And, on tough days, I hope to have this dream when I'm falling asleep.

I've always pushed myself to examine my life from every angle, analyzing details and situations like Nancy Drew would solve a mystery. I've always wanted to do more, be more for everyone else. So, maybe this dream just means that I need to concentrate on me. For, in my pursuit to please everyone else, I have ended up feeling exhausted and like I pleased no one. I realize now that it isn't my job to please anyone but myself. And, who am I to assume what another needs anyway?

I'm wondering if it's time for me to get into my car and drive into my life, literally.